Where is my motivation???

Today I feel a bit depressive. Yesterday I ate way too much and today I received what I deserve. So today I start to motivate myself again to eat less. My feeling is that my parents get attentive so I don't dare to vomit in the bathroom because they might hear me.

Sometimes I don't know if I should consider myself as an Anorexic or Bulimia person, a pro-Ana person or none of them. People who see me would NEVER think that I put such a huge effort into my eating habits. To them I probably seem like a normal teenage girl. 

I've never been underweighed, but still I keep thinking about calories, fat, weighing results and so on for so many years. If I know that nobody is around me I would vomit every single day when I regret what I ate. On the other hand I keep on eating nothing when I know that I'm not able to do sports.

I don't like the extreme exaggeration of all those pro-Ana blogs but still I would like to motivate myself with other girls and surely I prefer a BMI where others would say it's sick. 

2009 was the year when I first saw those Pro-Ana Blogs, meanwhile I'm 16 and what I realized is that first of all many of those Blogs got deleted (at least in Germany by the government) and second most blogs now try to teach young people something different. They don't want to be considered as Pro-Ana-Blogs anymore but instead wanna help people to get rid of the eating disorder. I know that's correct and everybody is saying "thanks god, they woke up". I, for any reason, would still like to see more Pro-Ana-Blogs, not because of those fake thinspiration posts or Ana's rules but to find likeminded girls. 

XOXO

Yuna